As a kid, I never went trick-or-treating for Halloween. Living out in the country, I didn’t feel like walking two miles for two Milky Ways and a Snickers. My family always watched It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown at a friends’ and then went on over to Woodburn Foursquare Church for the annual Harvest Party. It was loads of fun, and I always enjoyed dressing up, trying to be more creative than my church friends.
Several years later, the Harvest Party is sadly no longer running, I’m still not trick-or-treating, and the warlords over at Apple have hijacked Charlie Brown onto Apple TV+. Not much is the same, but I still dress up. It’s a tradition. This year, despite my girlfriend’s wishes for a cute couple’s costume photo op, I will be dressing up as a Whoopie Cushion. While this will certainly be the best costume that anyone in the entire city of Newberg wears this Saturday, it may not be my best one.
So, without further ado, let’s look back at some of the best Halloween costumes I’ve worn:
I don’t know how this “costume” snuck its way onto the list. 6th grade Antonio was very lazy that October 31st and decided to throw on his football jersey and call it good. Every Joe Shmoe on the street can dress up as a football player. No creativity, no originality, no uniqueness. Only gets one point because I had to wear the pads all night. Rating: 1/10
Oh come on. Really? As a freshman in high school, I didn’t have much creativity here either. A simple cookie cutter outfit again, except a ref instead of the player. I did have my mom get a yellow flag for me to throw, so I guess we can give this one a point too. Rating: 1/10
High School Graduate
Not too bad of a costume, but a little on the nose considering I would be graduating high school soon. A Party City costume that my mom had picked out, and it was nice for what it’s worth. A true middle of the road costume, but lack of work on my part brings it down a point. Rating: 4/10
Now we start getting a bit creative. I dressed up as my dad, the lovely accountant Sabino. Fitted in my nice suit and tie, I collected my candy in a folder marked “Taxes”. I think my dad loved that I dressed up as him for Halloween, and I liked looking official. Fun all around for everyone. Rating: 8/10
This is my peak creativity, but it was original to a fault; everyone had to ask what I was. Anti-Antonio wore the opposite of what I normally wore as a sophomore in high school. Instead of my athletic shorts and a t-shirt, I wore jeans, a sweatshirt, and a backwards hat. The hat came in handy when I went to Layla Tamimi’s party and covered my eyes in horror as everyone else watched Saw. Good idea, but a bit niche. Rating: 7/10
My mom found an old McDonald’s uniform at Goodwill and we ran with it. We modified a Dodgers hat to sport the McDonald’s logo, and it was history. To collect my candy, we drove through McDonald’s to get a bag. The lady at the drive-thru mistook freshman Antonio for an actual employee. Truly an elite costume. Rating: 9/10
I have a confession to make. I dressed up as a whoopie cushion once before, as a junior in high school. This costume is elite. The type of thing you look at and say, “Dang. I wish that were me.” I wouldn’t blame you if you sold every possession you had to try to buy it off me. You can’t, of course. It’s priceless.